When the Results Aren't What You Wanted

Psalm 118:24 ESV, "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I ran to the store to get a pregnancy test. I knew that it was this week that we'd find out if I was pregnant or not. I knew last month it wasn't a probability. It was pushing it too much by the time we got married for us to have a honeymoon baby, but surely... we could have a Valentine's Day baby.

For some of you reading this (Mom, Mrs. Hoisington, and Grandpa) this is TMI. However, for the rest of you reading this, I hope what I share here will be an encouragement to you.

So, for the last two weeks, I have been extremely aware of any change (or possible change) my body has made. If I have felt any ache at all, I made a note of it and convinced myself that I, yes I, was pregnant. "Surely it wasn't like that before..." I'd reason in my mind. "I don't remember feeling this way..."

I was so anxious to know what the answer would be. We had timed it. We were confident about it. I was convinced that it was so. I even disregarded the negative pregnancy test justifying that I had, after all, taken the test two days before I was supposed to.

But then...

I got the lovely guest of the month that assured me that I, in fact... am not pregnant.

Nathan had already gone to work when I found out this fact. Initially, there were tears at the realization that although I was convinced of pregnancy, I was in fact wrong. In our minds, there was such a huge possibility, but the reality was a result that we really didn't want.

In all honesty, Nathan and I have only been married for a month and a half. It really isn't such a huge deal that this isn't the month. It hasn't been that long. But, what I realized that I never could empathize with before marriage is how a woman feels when she has hope of a positive pregnancy test only to find that what she was feeling may have just been PMS symptoms.

Nathan's and my desire to have a baby is something that I believe is a noble desire. However, as we wait for God's timing to have a baby, I was all too familiar with the anticipation of wanting "the next step" to happen now. The same desire I have to be a mother is equal to the desire I had before to be a wife.

But I don't want to have the same attitude in waiting to be a mother that I had in my single years while waiting for my sweet husband to be in my life.

I spent every year from the time I was twelve until my wedding day dreaming of the day I'd have my husband by my side. Throughout all those years, I lived with an attitude of discontentment and a belief that I'd be happy "when" I was married.

Truth be told, I do have a great sense of peace now that my husband is in my life. However, I realize now that I'm married that contentment doesn't come from what you have or do not have. It is rooted in a heart attitude.

During my years of singleness, I anticipated "the next step" to the point that I didn't just enjoy where God had me that day. I worried. I cried. I panicked that I'd be alone forever.

All those fears turned out to be a waste of time. Today as I write this, I am married, and I'm not just married. I'm married to a godly man who I admire and love more than life itself, and he loves me. I'm married to a man who encourages me to be more like Christ and loves me on my best days and on my ugliest ones.

For years, I believed the lies of the enemy as he tormented me with fear... fear that I'd be alone forever or fear that there were no godly guys left out there and, if I married, I'd have to settle. I didn't have to listen to those lies, but I chose to.

But never again.

Life is all about waiting. We wait in the small areas of life such as lines at the grocery store to waiting in backed up traffic. Then, we wait in the huge areas of life such as waiting for a spouse, a baby, and even to find out doctor results. We spend our whole lives waiting, however the key isn't about how to get everything we want right now. The key is found in Psalm 118:24 where it says, "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." ESV.

There is a song that I heard growing up that sings this exact verse, and that song came to mind the other day when I found out that right now isn't God's time for Nathan and me to be parents.

I knew in that moment that I had a choice. I could either cry and be upset and ungrateful (as I did in my single years) over one thing that I'm hoping for that I don't have yet, or I could start praising God for EVERY blessing that He has given me so graciously. As I think about all that He has done in my life over this last year, how on earth could I possibly have an attitude of ungratefulness? Even if He hadn't done any of those things, though, He came and died for me. He gave me eternal life with Him!

I realized how selfish I'd been to be living with discontentment rooted in my heart, and I decided I never want to be that person again!

Do I still hope to have a baby someday? Absolutely! However, on the journey to that glorious day, I refuse to spend even one moment taking for granted where God has me today.

When Nathan got home the other night and I talked with him about how I felt about the whole thing, it was such a precious moment for me when I got to walk over to him, look in his eyes, and say, "Baby, I have everything I could possibly want right here! I don't need anything else to make me happy."

When you can get to the point that you can say, "I don't need that to be happy." you've just found freedom. Do I think Nathan and I will never have a baby? Certainly not. But if that was God's choice for us, I could honestly say that I'm happy anyway.

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 ESV.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I'm so grateful that You're growing me even still. Lord, as I look back over all the years I lived in discontentment, I see what a waste of time that really was. I was so worried about the next step that I missed out on enjoying where you had me in that season. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't want to miss out on this season of it just being my husband and me at home and getting to enjoy married life. Lord, we would love to be parents in Your timing, but thank You for this extra time that we have before sleepless nights, crying babies, and dirty diapers to just enjoy one another. Help me enjoy the journey. This is the day You have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I love You, Jesus!
Amen.