Am I Doing Enough?

Matthew 6:33 ESV, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Before I got married, there was a question that plagued my mind: "What am I supposed to do with my life?" I knew I desired to be a wife and mom, but with the possibility of that being far down the road, I questioned what I was supposed to be doing "now". Deep inside me, I wanted to be doing something with my life that mattered. I didn't want to be wasting my time and watching life pass me by.

It always seemed as if there was something more I was supposed to be doing. I tried to find the answer to my question through working more. When I was working part-time, I felt like that wasn't responsible enough, so I sought full-time work. Then, when I began working full-time, I felt I was falling short in relational areas. It was a constant battle that I thought would be solved after marriage.

However, I am now married, and I'm finding myself asking the same question that I asked all that time I was single:

"What am I supposed to do with my life?"

I thought this question would go away after I said, "I do!" I thought, "Once I'm married, my title will be 'wife'. Surely that will make me feel like I'm doing enough."

Nope.

When my husband and I got engaged, we decided very quickly that we were going to move away from our hometown so we could be closer to his job. I had just got a full-time job two months before we got engaged, but when we decided that we were going to move once we got married, I quit working so I could spend time with my family before moving. The game plan order went like this in my mind: quit my job, get married, move, honeymoon, then look for work as soon as we get back from our honeymoon.

I thought that game plan sounded ideal.

However, what I didn't know was that when we got back from our honeymoon, there was going to be an adjustment period of trying to figure out how this whole wife thing works. I didn't realize it was going to take so much time to figure out how to cook meals, take care of laundry, budget, grocery shop, keep the apartment up, and adjust to all the other changes that go along with this wonderful gift of marriage.

What I also didn't know was that it was going to be so tiresome and frustrating to find another job.

For the last two weeks, I've been looking for another job. There are many things I'm contemplating on the back of my mind, though, as I consider going back to work. I don't want my husband and I to have conflicting schedules. What is the point of being married if we will never see one another? Another thing I am contemplating is that we both desire to have a baby as soon as God allows. Is it worth me going back to work right now when that may mean months down the road I quit to take care of our baby? Lastly, the main jobs I've worked have been retail. Many jobs that are not retail require credentials that I don't have, but the thought of going back to retail makes me want to pull my hair out (a bit dramatic, I know). Plus, I am concerned I will have to work in the evenings which would mean (once more) I would not see my husband.

Then come along the well-intentioned people who ask: "What are you doing in your spare time?"

Oftentimes, when met with that question, I have a difficult time answering. My life consists of many things where I'm constantly taking care of things, but trying to recall every little thing I'm doing each day can be difficult to recount. I know personally I'm doing a lot, but when met with that question, I once more feel as if others think I'm not doing enough.

Round and round the cycle goes.

I thought I was the only one who ever felt like this, but after listening to other people, I've found that deep down many of us are asking the same question I have been: "Am I doing enough?"

My sweet husband already works over 40 hours a week, and then he comes home and looks for more ways to add to our income so we can save more and prepare for the future.

I have friends who also are curious to know exactly what they're supposed to do with their lives.

Today as I came before God in prayer expressing all my concerns and thoughts I shared with you, what was laid on my heart were two things. First, I was reminded of the simple verse: Matthew 6:33 ESV, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." I found great comfort as I took my eyes off of the temporary and put them back on the eternal. The second thing I was reminded of were the verses before Matthew 6:33 (verses 25-32) which talk about not being anxious for anything. It reminds us of the birds and the lilies which God takes care of and how we are much more valuable than they are. Certainly God will take care of us too.

From this passage, what I realize is that I need to get rid of self-care and instead surrender to God-care. Yes, I need to do my job, but at the end of the day, I need to seek first the kingdom of God  and his righteousness, and I need to trust that the same God who takes care of the birds and the lilies is going to take care of me.

I'm discovering that I need to change my question. No longer should my question be, "Am I doing enough?" Quite honestly, I can't do it all. The question is, "Am I doing what God wants me to do?"

When my focus is on self-care, all I can see is exactly that... self. However, if my focus is on God-care, I am focused on Him and what He cares about.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in wondering if I'm doing enough that I completely ignore if I'm doing what You want me to do. Personally, I want to do it all. I want to be super-wife, super-woman, super-worker, and super-Christian... but I'm finding that the more I try to become all these things, I'm missing the greatest priority. Lord, lift my eyes off of the temporal and fix them on the eternal. Make me into who You want me to be rather than who I think I need to be.

In Jesus' Name.

Amen.